ICE Barbie's Interview Meltdown

Five days of cable-news foreplay ended in a masterclass of lies, deflection, and authoritarian spin; where a dead woman met oatmeal answers, locked doors, and bulletproof bullshit.

Guest article by Michael Cohen

For five straight days, CNN treated the Jake Tapper–Kristi Noem interview like it was the Super Bowl of accountability. A flashing chyron. A dramatic tease. A breathless promise that this, finally, would be the moment we learned something meaningful about the killing of Renee Nicole Good in Minneapolis.

What we got instead was a shameless spectacle of stupidity; an extended cold open for “An Interview With an ICE-Hole,” sponsored by denial and contempt.

Jake Tapper did his job. Calm. Controlled. Surgical. He asked one simple, devastatingly adult question: after watching video of ICE Agent John Ross firing once through the front windshield and twice through the open driver’s side window; three bullets, three hits. Was that standard protocol?

Kristi Noem responded with something that can only be described as a TED Talk on absolutely nothing.

She didn’t answer the question. She tap-danced around it. She circled it. She avoided it the way Trump avoids asparagus or broccoli. What came spilling out of her filler-plumped lips was a torrent of bureaucratic word vomit so spectacularly irrelevant that she might as well have said:

“Thank you, Jake, for this important question. Every morning I enjoy steel-cut oatmeal with raspberries and strawberries, washed down with herbal green tea to remain nutrient efficient; per the health guidance of the most physically perfect human to ever exist, our dear leader Donald J. Trump.”

It would’ve been more honest.

Instead, Noem insisted; within hours of the shooting, that everything she said was “factual” and “the truth.” Hours. Not days. Not after interviews. Not after ballistics. Not after a reconstruction. Hours. Apparently, Kristi Noem possesses a magical crystal ball issued exclusively to Trump Cabinet members, right next to the loyalty oath and bronzer.

Tapper did not let her skate. He read her own statement back to her; the one where she claimed Good attacked officers, tried to ram them, attempted vehicular homicide, and generally auditioned for the role of “Domestic Terrorist of the Week.”

Tapper’s response was devastating in its simplicity: That’s not what happened. We all saw what happened.

And that’s the problem, isn’t it? We all saw the video. We saw a stationary vehicle. We saw agents yelling. We saw shots fired into a car driven by a woman who had just dropped her six-year-old son at school. We saw reality. Noem saw a press opportunity.

When pressed, again, on how she could be so certain without an investigation, Noem doubled down. Certainty is her brand. Accountability is not. She declared Good a “domestic terrorist” before the body was cold, before the tape was reviewed, before anyone asked the most basic question: was she trying to flee, or was she trying to kill someone?

Tapper asked that exact question. Repeatedly. Patiently. Like a kindergarten teacher explaining colors to a child who insists the sky is MAGA red.

Noem’s answer never changed: the officer acted according to his training. Translation: don’t believe your lying eyes; believe the badge.

Then came the piece de resistance. While the country was still arguing about whether a woman was unjustly killed, Noem quietly ordered new restrictions on congressional oversight of ICE facilities. Because nothing says “transparency” like locking the doors, killing the lights, and telling lawmakers to come back next week; maybe.

Three Minnesota members of Congress tried to conduct oversight. They were turned away. Shown a court ruling. ICE officials refused to look at it. “They said they didn’t care,” one lawmaker recalled.

That’s not law enforcement. That’s cosplay authoritarianism.

A federal judge already ruled these restrictions likely violate federal law. Noem’s response? Fine; I’ll just fund the obstruction with different money. If the Constitution says no, she’ll just expense it through the “One Big Beautiful Bill” slush fund. Accountability laundering, MAGA-style.

And when challenged, the administration pivoted; because of course they did, to attacking Democrats, Somali immigrants, and anyone else within rhetorical reach. Deflect. Distract. Demonize. Repeat.

This is the same playbook I watched Trump use for years: assert certainty immediately, smear the victim, control the narrative, shut out oversight, and dare anyone to stop you. Facts come last; if at all.

Jake Tapper did what journalists are supposed to do. He asked how she knew. He asked why she rushed. He asked why she labeled a dead woman a terrorist before an investigation. And every time, Kristi Noem answered a question no one asked.

CNN hyped a revelation. What we witnessed instead was a masterclass in official dishonesty; delivered with a botoxed smile, a talking point, and a total disregard for the truth.

Renee Nicole Good deserved answers. Her family deserved honesty. The country deserved accountability.

What we got was oatmeal.

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